Tate had his VIP at school and I spent hours going through all of our photos enjoying every minute. I came across these two photos and my heart took a leap and tears began to fall as I realized how fast these two have grown up into boys. Then the thought came to me that in another 5-6 years Dylan could be driving and dating and Tate will be getting baptized in just 2 short years. I sometimes want time to just STOP and let me enjoy every minute. How I have loved being their mom and watching them grow! And how I miss these sweet precious baby years. I really wish they could last forever! I just wanted to take a trip back in the past for a few hours, like the movie Back to the Future, and have Tate sit on my lap while Dylan and I tickled him as we used to do in my favorite chair. And to have them fall asleep in my arms while I cuddled them and played with their soft hair. I loved holding my boys as babies and nursing them in the middle of the night when I could enjoy the quiet with them. I find myself longing for these years and crying that these times are in the past. I often think that if I had known that Tate may be our last child, how I would have had more closure by noting in my mind to enjoy every precious baby minute as if it would be the last here on earth. It has not been in our plans to have Tate as our last child, and I have really struggled with this, but I do believe in a Higher Power and that he is in control on how families are built. I have had many spiritual moments that make me believe that at the end of this life there will be a beautiful baby waiting for us in Heaven to hold and to tickle with my boys. Mike and I both have felt that reassurance after we lost a baby, before the birth of Dylan, to miscarriage. Our old computer crashed about 5 years ago and we ended up replacing it, but I lost so many photos of Tate as a baby including his birth photos, his blessing photos, and his first year. I cried like a little baby and told Mike that it was more important to me than anything and I really wanted to recover the photos someday . We had a few computer specialists look at the computer when it first crashed and they were unable to retrieve the photos. The next step would be to have the computer sent to a clean room to see if the photos could be found at the heavy price of $2000 for just the use of the clean room. At that time in our lives we did not have the money to take that venture as we had been through job changes with the economic downturn. After I cried like a little baby over losing these photos while making Tate's VIP, Mike secretly went to work trying to find someone who could retrieve the photos. My sweet husband in all his kindness and wisdom, unknowingly, spent hours and money getting the photos retrieved by a computer specialist. The tears began to flow again as he told me what he had done, a few days later, and that 95% of the photos were retrieved and would be placed on a disc for a very reasonable price. I feel so lucky to have those photos back in my home where I can look at them often and to have a caring kind husband who helps to alleviate my heartache. And, I feel so blessed to have the family I have! Life would be so mundane and unpleasant without these two boys and to have never experienced the joys of Motherhood. Working as a pediatric nurse has also allowed me the opportunity to care for infants and children. When their mother is not present, I have held them, calmed them, fed them, and cared for them as if they were my own thinking that is how I would want my children to be treated. I find that it has helped me to embrace life and to be a part of our Heavenly Father's plan to care for his children. I am blessed that I am able to work with this population and I feel that it is more than just a job, but that it is a calling in which you use a great deal of your instincts like you do your motherly instincts. A dear friend recently stated to me, when I was sharing my pain of not being blessed with another child in my home, how I have been blessed with caring for many children and then this friend asked me the question of how many diapers I have changed and how many infants I have fed if I were to speculate. I had an Oprah "Aw Haw " moment when I thought about this. I could not answer the question and I became emotional as I realized that God does place you where you belong for your needs and for His. I dare say I have had the opportunity to "mother" many of his children even though they have not been in the confines of my home. A short time after this experience I had a huge tender mercy. I was at the store and one of my pt.'s mother came up to me and gave me a huge warm hug. She proceeded to tell me how the cute patient is growing up so fast and how she would worry about not always being able to be with her baby while the child was in the NICU, but how she knew that she had "Second moms who would love her and care for her just the same." She also expressed how she wanted to stop time and keep this child in the baby stage. It hit my heart like a ton of bricks! I immediately thought about how quickly every child grows and I realized that I have the present moment and then the memories of my children as babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school aged children and then growing boys. I realized I need to be grateful for the memories and more fully enjoy the present because they become the memories and I can always relish in the fact that I can surround myself with the presence of babies in the career I have chosen. I am so grateful for tender mercies.
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